It’s time to change everything. I need to acknowledge it. No, to act upon it. I’m tired. I’m weary. I want to become a person of significance. To make my life have meaning.
It’s been a long time since I’ve publicly stated my thoughts for whomever to read online. In doing so though, hopefully it’ll act as a tool of self-motivating purpose.
Right now, I live life my everyday dreary life with the sole purpose of being an adventure. To find a purpose. To imagine different courses that my life may or may not take. I want to change that. I want to give myself a goal in which to follow. A goal that is more defined then that of merely trying to find a purpose in life. Right now.. I’m a young adult attempting to find his way in the world. I’m not an adolescent kid anymore, but neither am I a man with his purpose in life. I am confident in saying that there isn’t a single person in this world who can accurately describe myself or my character to the fullest of its extent. Nor would anyone ever be able to. I am myself. My name is Ryan Matthew Coggins and there isn’t a single other person out there that can say that they’ve shared my thoughts, experiences, and ideals as well as insight on every issue throughout my life. I am my own unique self. As is everyone else who lives in this world along with everyone who has ever lived in this world. I can do my best to describe my character, my personality. The pros and cons. My achievements, both important and insignificant coinciding with both my flaws and imperfections.. I’ve asked people to describe me. To do their best to try and puzzle together the pieces. I’ve had people attempt to do it on their own accord and try to figure me out. Some of the things people say/have said strike at the very core of my being. They… as the phrase suggests, ” hit the nail on the head” in certain aspects. Many however see only what they want to see. What’s on the very surface. Few care to try to dig any deeper than that. To do more than glance in my direction. Every time they do, my being aches and yearns for more.
Whenever I see a girl.. who I find for whatever reason attractive. Or when I speak to one who is still a mystery to me.. my mind wanders. My heart flutters just a little bit, gets reawakened with a sense of hope. Hope that someone, that this person right in front of me, might actually want to care. To look for something a bit more. Okay maybe not every girl that I talk to or see, a majority of the time it’s more of a common ancient/instinctual attraction with less regard for commitment between two souls and more so a sense/urgency to relieve.. no that’s the wrong word.. to be primitive and shallow. I’m not going to deny it. To mate. To fuck. To have sex. To full-fill that longing and desire. Without passion, and only with the need of lust. Call it what you want. It’s only human of me. Honest of me to admit it. Everyone has those thoughts, those desires. I’m a hormone-crazed teenager. Less so then I may have been in the past, but hormone crazed all the same at times. I’m only human. That’d be the easy way to put it. However I’m much more, and I strive to be more. As before, I am Ryan. I’m both me, myself, and I. It’s strange to think this way, to type out everything like this. Thinking my thoughts as I type them. Letting whatever I type form their own meaning. Eventually those thoughts lead down different avenues each towards a separate issue. Each on it’s own leading towards another, and another. Until it all becomes a massive jumble of spectral thought winding to and from, back and form seemingly having no beginning and no end. I’m picturing it in my mind as we speak. As I type. In it, I picture a white background, with a bunch of scribbles. Circular in appearances, so that it all just becomes one giant mass of substance and thoughts. My mind is such. Hence the long drawn out rambles of whatever it may be. At the end of the conversation, I may very well end up at a different point than I had originally planned. I different subject perhaps. It’s all circles within circles down a winding path to me. All confusingly such. Which is why I like typing to a certain degree. It allows me to go back and revisit my earlier thoughts. Fix whatever is necessary and continue on my original point of thought. wherever that origin may have been. In this case, it’d been about change. In the previous months, I’d been distracted with trying to find a somewhat secure place in life to finally take a stance and to stop myself from spinning/sinking in my own ocean of despair and self-pity. I hated myself and the world/people in said world around me. But mostly myself. I was scared. I’d lost the one i’d loved, which upon further reflections is neither good or bad in my opinion. Merely that it is what it is/was what it was and that I needed to learn to accept it to keep on living. Mostly however, I was paralyzed with fear. Fear of the uncertainty of living life, being the great open abyss that it is. I’d just graduated highschool. Forced out of the little bubble-like world that I knew. Which was my comfort zone, and was forced out into the beyond The sky was the limit for me in highschool. I knew that there was something beyond, but wasn’t willing to soar past it. Now.. I’m drifting among the stars. traveling the unknown and trying to find my place in the universe. I’m learning. Adapting. I’m putting ideas into effect. Saving money, which was something i’d scoff at in the past personally. Among other things. I’ve accepted who I am, and though I may still be uncertain of who I want to become.. I have ideas. None stick at the moment, but I’m willing to find out with trial and error. I am ready and it is time to change. Yet again. Only I understand myself. As always. Maybe with time that will change. We shall see. For now, instead of sitting, wishing and waiting for something to happen.. it’s time to go and accomplish something. I’ll only ever do that by causing it to happen. I am in control of my life. Nobody else. Now I need to embrace it. Instead of leaving all else up to chance and faith.
So Ryan, let’s set out and accomplish what you’ve striven to do. Let’s make your life memorable.
Ryan M. Coggins- 3/15/2013