The Life of Coggins.

Anonymous asked: I'm not smart enough, stealthy enough, or creative enough to be good at a job like that. I'm not in shape either, but who needs to be in shape to run from the bad guys? Right? What's your favorite memory?

Who are you?  Very few people know my tumblr. Fewer still of those who’d use it to message me. Come off anon please so that I may know to whom I’m speaking with. Do I even know you in person?

Anonymous asked: I'm not smart enough, stealthy enough, or creative enough to be good at a job like that. I'm not in shape either, but who needs to be in shape to run from the bad guys? Right? What's your favorite memory?

The same could be said of me, but then again I’m sure that there’d be training for those sort s of things. If you could, would you? My favorite memory? Hmm.. that’s a tough one. There are many favorites.. off the top of my head though I’d have to say that it was back in my days in highschool my senior year spent building snoopy’s doghouse with someone I used to know. The one in particular being when ww ended up painting it together. 

Anonymous asked: I wouldn't take it. - BlueBird

Your reasons? -Ryan

Anonymous asked: What would you do if you were recruited into the CIA as a secret agent? - BlueBird

I’d do the best that I could to enjoy the job and it’s perks. But I’d grow to hate it after awhile. There’s much more restrictions than freedoms involved with a job like that.

Anonymous asked: I would wish to end child hunger in Africa. -BlueBird

Talk about being vague. Though probably less so than mine.

Anonymous asked: That's vauge. Good enough for what?

Ah You never specified otherwise. So nopethat’s not how this works. I’ve more than obliged you with your first question. My turn now, and you never answered my question.

Anonymous asked: I said one wish. That was 23 wishes. - BlueBird

Alright, fair enough. There are many things that I wish for. Many of them hidden away in the dark recesses of my mind tucked away from sight. I try not to think about them much. To answer your question, chief among them I wish that I was good enough.

Anonymous asked: You get one wish. What is it? - BlueBird

Honestly? I couldn’t tell you. I don’t know the answer to that question myself. I suppose the rational option is to wish for more/infinite wishes. However what would be the point of living then? If I could have anything I want. Then again, maybe going at this the wrong way. The prospect of wishing doesn’t necessarily mean that said wishes were to come true. I could wish for all the things in the world but it doesn’t mean that they’ll magically materialize out of thin air. I could wish for many different things, a new better car, to have a decent real job. That maybe my parents had never split. That I had never resented them so much when I was younger. I could wish that maybe I paid a bit more attention in school and didn’t read so many books or play so many video games. That maybe I was a bit more social. That maybe if I had said or done something different in the past.. that I might be in a very different place today. Those are regrets I suppose. Well, maybe not regrets. I don’t wish to change them because they make me the person I am today. I may wonder, imagine what the difference it would have made, but that’s no different from me daydreaming in my head of saving the day at school, or suddenly winning the lottery and what to do with the money. I don’t regret my past. I will always remember the past, and look for a more fruitful future, but the only thing that ever matters is the present. Here and now. What do I wish for? Right now I wish for many things. I wish my Car wasn’t dying. Having over 200,000 miles on her. I wish that I didn’t have to work two jobs, and yet I don’t mind them at the same time. I wish that I could meet someone. To stop having dreams that I shouldn’t be having anymore. I wish that I can always have the strength and courage to believe in myself even though I sometimes hesitate or lose sight of my goals. I want to be able to do so much, to have whatever necessary tools that I may need in the future to be able to shape and guide my way through life. To influence the world, the people around me. There are so many different things, issues, ideals that I want. Above all, I wish to be happy. No, to always ever be able to be in the pursuit of happiness. I wish to be able to live my life. To see it unfold and mold it into shape as I see fit. I wish that whatever set-backs I may come across though life, whatever great sorrows and mishaps that may occur, that I can always have the determination and will of Ryan Matthew Coggins. That is who I am and what I’m damn proud to be.

Does that answer your question BlueBird? I hope it does.

Now, what is it that you wish for? 

It’s time to change everything. I need to acknowledge it. No, to act upon it. I’m tired. I’m weary. I want to become a person of significance. To make my life have meaning. 
It’s been a long time since I’ve publicly stated my thoughts for whomever to read online. In doing so though, hopefully it’ll act as a tool of self-motivating purpose.
Right now, I live life my everyday dreary life with the sole purpose of being an adventure. To find a purpose. To imagine different courses that my life may or may not take. I want to change that. I want to give myself a goal in which to follow. A goal that is more defined then that of merely trying to find a purpose in life. Right now.. I’m a young adult attempting to find his way in the world. I’m not an adolescent kid anymore, but neither am I a man with his purpose in life. I am confident in saying that there isn’t a single person in this world who can accurately describe myself or my character to the fullest of its extent. Nor would anyone ever be able to. I am myself. My name is Ryan Matthew Coggins and there isn’t a single other person out there that can say that they’ve shared my thoughts, experiences, and ideals as well as insight on every issue throughout my life. I am my own unique self. As is everyone else who lives in this world along with everyone who has ever lived in this world. I can do my best to describe my character, my personality. The pros and cons. My achievements, both important and insignificant coinciding with both my flaws and imperfections.. I’ve asked people to describe me. To do their best to try and puzzle together the pieces. I’ve had people attempt to do it on their own accord and try to figure me out. Some of the things people say/have said strike at the very core of my being. They… as the phrase suggests, ” hit the nail on the head” in certain aspects. Many however see only what they want to see. What’s on the very surface. Few care to try to dig any deeper than that. To do more than glance in my direction. Every time they do, my being aches and yearns for more. 
Whenever I see a girl.. who I find for whatever reason attractive. Or when I speak to one who is still a mystery to me.. my mind wanders. My heart flutters just a little bit, gets reawakened with a sense of hope. Hope that someone, that this person right in front of me, might actually want to care. To look for something a bit more. Okay maybe not every girl that I talk to or see, a majority of the time it’s more of a common ancient/instinctual attraction with less regard for commitment between two souls and more so a sense/urgency to relieve.. no that’s the wrong word.. to be primitive and shallow. I’m not going to deny it. To mate. To fuck. To have sex. To full-fill that longing and desire. Without passion, and only with the need of lust. Call it what you want. It’s only human of me. Honest of me to admit it. Everyone has those thoughts, those desires. I’m a hormone-crazed teenager. Less so then I may have been in the past, but hormone crazed all the same at times. I’m only human. That’d be the easy way to put it. However I’m much more, and I strive to be more. As before, I am Ryan. I’m both me, myself, and I. It’s strange to think this way, to type out everything like this. Thinking my thoughts as I type them. Letting whatever I type form their own  meaning. Eventually those thoughts lead down different avenues each towards a separate issue. Each on it’s own leading towards another, and another. Until it all becomes a massive jumble of spectral thought winding to and from, back and form seemingly having no beginning and no end. I’m picturing it in my mind as we speak. As I type. In it, I picture a white background, with a bunch of scribbles. Circular in appearances, so that it all just becomes one giant mass of substance and thoughts. My mind is such. Hence the long drawn out rambles of whatever it may be. At the end of the conversation, I may very well end up at a different point than I had originally planned. I different subject perhaps. It’s all circles within circles down a winding path to me. All confusingly such. Which is why I like typing to a certain degree. It allows  me to go back and revisit my earlier thoughts. Fix whatever is necessary and continue on my original point of thought. wherever that origin may have been. In this case, it’d been about change. In the previous months, I’d been distracted with trying to find a somewhat secure place in life to finally take a stance and to stop myself from spinning/sinking in my own ocean of despair and self-pity. I hated myself and the world/people in said world around me. But mostly myself. I was scared. I’d lost the one i’d loved, which upon further reflections is neither good or bad in my opinion. Merely that it is what it is/was what it was and that I needed to learn to accept it to keep on living. Mostly however, I was paralyzed with fear. Fear of the uncertainty of living life, being the great open abyss that it is. I’d just graduated highschool. Forced out of the little bubble-like world that I knew. Which was my comfort zone, and was forced out into the beyond The sky was the limit for me in highschool. I knew that there was something beyond, but wasn’t willing to soar past it. Now.. I’m drifting among the stars. traveling the unknown and trying to find my place in the universe. I’m learning. Adapting. I’m putting ideas into effect. Saving money, which was something i’d scoff at in the past personally. Among other things. I’ve accepted who I am, and though I may still be uncertain of who I want to become.. I have ideas. None stick at the moment, but I’m willing to find out with trial and error. I am ready and it is time to change. Yet again. Only I understand myself. As always. Maybe with time that will change. We shall see. For now, instead of sitting, wishing and waiting  for something to happen.. it’s time to go and accomplish something. I’ll only ever do that by causing it to happen. I am in control of my life. Nobody else. Now I need to embrace it. Instead of leaving all else up to chance and faith.
So Ryan, let’s set out and accomplish what you’ve striven to do. Let’s make your life memorable.

Ryan M. Coggins- 3/15/2013